Tuesday, December 24, 2013

Merry Buffettmas Everyone!

After considerable thought and at least three Kalik beers from the Bahamas, mon, I've come up with the solution to the Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays/What Should I Say To Not Offend Anyone non-issue issue. It’s simple and I'm surprised nobody thought of it before. Doesn't matter if you are Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist, agnostic, or believe in a flock of pink flamingoes....everyone is covered.

December 25 as I may have mentioned before is not only Ernest Hemmingway's birthday but more importantly its Jimmy Buffett's birthday - the holiest day of the year in the Parrothead Nation. Given that reality and the fact that we actually know the exact day Buffett was born on (as opposed to that Middle Eastern socialist who hung out with prostitutes and provided free health care to lepers among others) I suggest that from now on Buffett's Birthday be the December 25 holiday each year! It crosses all religious belief lines, its cross-generational (instead of believing in White Santa showing up in a sleigh driven by 8 tiny reindeer you can wait for Buffett to show up on a bottle-nosed dolphin - and at least with Buffett there is a slim chance he could actually show up) and instead of shopping for Christmas or Hanukah gifts you just buy each other bottles of Landshark Lager (a Bloody Mary can be substituted if Landshark is not available in your area), sit under a palm tree on Buffett's birthday, and drink them (a fake tree can be substituted at higher latitudes).

This solution solves all of the angst, removes the societal pressures, and still gives people an excuse to shop like crazy, eat like a small army at Grandma's house (substituting cheeseburgers and shrimp for turkey and whatever else) and all you need to do is switch out Christmas carols for Buffett CDs and the problem is solved!

So....let me be the first to wish everyone a Happy Buffett's Birthday! (or Merry Buffetmas if you still need to use remnants of the old holiday) and may a giant bottle-nosed dolphin pulling a 20-foot sailboat leave lots of sun tan lotion under your palm tree (fake or real) tonight.

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