.....and then there were 31.
Quite possibly the easiest Margaritaville property to
find and visit is the original one in Key West, Florida. There you simply find a place to park
(actually that’s not such a simple task any more), stumble to Duval Street, and
then follow the masses of drunks who still have tan lines as they flow toward the ocean and
voila, the original Margaritaville café eventually pops into their blurry eyed
view at 505 Duval Street.
Others are a bit more difficult to visit. The only way you’ll get to the three Air
Margaritaville’s in the San Juan (Puerto Rico) airport is to fly in or out of
the airport and although flying is an option for Grand Turk its simplest (and
far cheaper) to go there by cruise ship as I found out in October. Margaritaville Niagara Falls requires walking
across the international bridge and turning left and Margaritaville Orlando
requires you to pay an extortionate parking fee (unless it’s after 6:00 p.m.
and you’re a Florida resident – except around Halloween for some reason) and
then walk among the throngs of people at Universal City Walk until you hear
Buffett music pulsing from a building on the left.
Getting to Margaritaville Grand Turk by cruise ship is a piece of cake compared to driving to Margaritaville Falmouth
Among the Margaritaville properties (cafes, casinos,
airport cafes, Landshark landings, etc) I have visited, however, none turned
out to be a greater logistical challenge than Margaritaville Falmouth
Jamaica.
For my birthday trip in 2012 I flew to Montego Bay,
rented a car, zipped around on the North Coast Highway east to Ocho Rios then
back west to the cruise ship pier near downtown Montego Bay and finally to
Margaritaville Negril where, if you’re so inclined, you can peek at the naked
bodies splayed out on the beach at Hedonism (of course I looked the other
way). A quick stop at Gate 14 in the
Montego Bay airport at the end of the trip gave me three new Margaritaville
Cafes (I’d been to the Air Margaritaville in the Montego Bay airport twice
before). I flew home thinking that I
would not have to return to Jamaica any time soon because I had all of the
cafes and there was no reason to go back.
That was, unfortunately, until I visited the Margaritaville home page in
April 2013 and discovered that Jimmy had built a new café at the cruise ship
pier in Falmouth. This meant that if I
was going to accomplish my most important goal in retirement – to drink a beer
in every Margaritaville property - I had to go back. The Jamaica Tourist Board marketing slogan
for Jamaica is “Come Back to Jamaica” and the Falmouth Margaritaville might be
why.
Looking at a map of Jamaica you discover that Falmouth is
only 30 km east of the Montego Bay airport and if traffic is halfway sane you
could be there an hour after stepping off the plane. You could also, if you were so inclined, hop
on a cruise ship and head to Falmouth.
Royal Caribbean has several ships a month that travel from the
Miami/Fort Lauderdale area to Falmouth with an intermediate stop on the north
coast of Haiti. The Mouse (Disney Cruise
Lines) also travels to Falmouth via Haiti but the Mouse charges nearly twice
what Royal Caribbean charges for the same trip.
Weighing options for the café I recently found a $232
roundtrip from Orlando – Ratworld International to Montego Bay. From lift off to landing I could be in
Jamaica in 90 minutes. At the airport I
discovered that Avis would rent me a car for $21 US a day, and a non-air conditioned
guest house in the hills above Falmouth would charge me $50 a night for the
privilege of broiling in one of their guestrooms in 86 degree heat as their dog
sat outside the windows barking all god damned night long. That however is a different story. In the end I could do a day trip to Jamaica
to get this new Café for about $300, or less than the cost of a box seat behind
home plate for one Tampa Bay Rays game.
The logistics of getting to Falmouth took their first
difficult turn even before boarding the flight in Orlando. Jet Blue Airlines found it curious that one
of their passengers was flying to Jamaica for only a day and before I was allowed
to board the plane I had to explain myself to two different gate agents. Arriving in Montego Bay I was held up by the
immigration officer who 1) didn’t believe my story that I was there for a beer,
and 2) made me wait forever and a day to talk to a Ministry of Health official
because I had made the mistake of being honest on my landing card and said that
I had been in Senegal in the last 6 weeks.
Convincing the Ministry of Health that I was not a biological time bomb
I moved to Customs who didn’t like my being there for a day, grilled me,
searched my way-under-packed day pack (all I brought with me) twice and then
reluctantly let me go.
The Guesthouse directions say to “turn right” from the
North Coast Highway after seeing a building with “Breezes” written on it. In gathering dusk it’s difficult to see
anything and especially when you don’t know what you seek and eventually I
stopped a Jamaican driver and asked for help.
He led me to the Guesthouse that desperately needs to change the way it
directs guests to it.
My first indication that this was not the end of the
confusion was when my Guesthouse owner showed actual surprise when I told her I
was going to Margaritaville Falmouth for dinner. “You can’t, mon,” she started. “It’s open only when a cruise ship is in port
and then only for cruisers. You can’t
just drive up and go to the café.”
Impossible, I thought.
None of the other cafes are that difficult - Falmouth can’t be. However I would discover just how difficult
it can be.
Well after dark and after asking a Royal Jamaican Police
officer how to find the pier in Falmouth I showed up at the gate to find it
locked. I explained to the security
guard that I wanted to go to Margaritaville and it was then that she confirmed
what the Guesthouse owner had said. “You
can’t, mon. It open only for ships and
then only for cruisers. You can’t just
drive up to the café.”
Damn.
I explained the purpose of my trip and asked if there was
any way the officials could make an exception and let me in. The guard called Dixon, the chief of port
security, who drove over to the gate to interrogate me. After we talked he felt that I was not some
sort of security risk and said “Disney has a ship coming in tomorrow, mon. Be back here in the morning, tell the
security officer I said it was ok to come in, and then go have a beer mon.”
A cruise ship operated by a rat
Disney Wonder slid into the Falmouth pier about 7:00 a.m.
on November 19 and I watched it from the top of a hill overlooking Falmouth
harbour. I spent much of the morning from
before dawn (I got 3 hours of sleep thanks to the barking dog and the lack of
air conditioning) until about 9:30 a.m. looking for birds in the rich forests
in the hills above Falmouth. From there
I drove to the pier and explained my plight to the security guard. Of course she didn’t believe me and had to
make several calls. Eventually she
tracked down Dixon who said it was cool.
However before letting me inside the security fence she and a colleague
conducted a complete check of my rental car.
They looked under the seats (finding nothing) pulled out the back seat
and looked behind it (finding nothing) then looked under the floor pads and in
the glove compartment (finding nothing).
Next I had to pop open the trunk which they searched (finding nothing)
and finally they looked under the hood of the car (again finding nothing). This was akin to trying to enter a US
military facility in the post-9/11 era.
And all I wanted to do was have a beer.
Once past the security fence I had to stop for a
secondary security check before being directed to a parking lot near the stern
of the Disney Wonder. I was exhausted
and in need of a beer before I got to the front door.
Margaritaville Falmouth is a familiar scene that has been
repeated many times over in other Margaritaville properties. You enter under a large sign erected on a
structure that looks like a pirate ship and ask a server to seat you. Because of its newness not all the
accessories of a Margaritaville Café you’d expect are up and running. At the far end of the bar, construction
workers are building a replica of Dunn’s River Falls at Ocho Rios. The water
from the waterfall will fill a swimming pool at the base of the waterfall. The pool is also under construction. Next to
it they were constructing a Jacuzzi that was in the form of a margarita glass
(complete with a slice of lime inserted on the edge of the glass).
November 19 was the roll out of the new menu at
Margaritaville Falmouth and I was the first person to open the new menu. For breakfast I chose shrimp tacos washed
down with Landshark Lager beer (what the hell, it’s 5 o’clock somewhere isn’t
it?). As I waited for my food I chatted
with some of the bartenders and servers, each of whom was amazed that I drove
into the pier area and was not off the ship. I told one bartender that this was
my 30th Margaritaville property and he began to question me with
lots of Buffett trivia. (Things like
“Where is Landshark Lager brewed?” -
Come on….make it difficult if you’re going to quiz someone. The answer is Jacksonville). I answered each of his questions and then
finally I asked him “So, what’s the name of the dolphin in the song “Jolly Mon
Sing?” He didn’t have a clue and finally
said “Mon, you’re a master of Buffett trivia, mon.” After all the running and all of the concerts
I better be! (And the answer to the
dolphin question is “Albion” but you can only find that out if you read the “Jimmy Buffett Scrapbook” from cover to
cover – and then preferably twice).
The new menu unveiled on November 19, 2013. Shrimp tacos and beer were the breakfast of Jamaican champions that morning.
Bar activities included a beer drinking contest (I would
have had my clock cleaned if I had tried – I’m not 21 anymore) and a Buffett
trivia contest (otherwise known as a piece of cake). As with every other Margaritaville I’ve been
in the employees were happy and obviously excited to be there. One kid said “You know the Ritz-Carlton in
Mo’ Bay, mon? I used to work there but
quit so I could work at Margaritaville instead.”
Rumor has it that negotiations are underway to allow
locals to visit the Café and to do so even when there is no ship in port. “We are worried that locals will get drunk
and trash the place” I was told.
Hopefully they will behave themselves so everyone can come here.
I left Margaritaville Falmouth with a slight buzz
(imagine that!) and drove back to Montego Bay. My original plan was to go to
the Montego Bay downtown café to take a picture of its entrance sign but
instead I decided to simply return my rental vehicle to the airport, slide into
the Air Margaritaville at Gate 14, and wait for my flight back to Orlando.
Completing all of the formalities of checking in and
going through security I climbed the steps to the upper level and asked which
way to the Air Margaritaville Café.
“Which one, mon” I was asked by the cute Jamaican in the information
booth, “there are two of them you know, mon.”
There are???? That’s the first anyone told me!
The original Air Margaritaville Cafe in the Montego Bay airport is at Gate 1
I knew about the Gate 14 café but the one at Gate 1 was
news. It turns out that Gate 1 is the
original Air Margaritaville in the Montego Bay airport. I immediately darted down the corridor to
Gate 1 and had my required beer at this Café making it my 31st
Margaritaville property.
Air Margaritaville Cafe at Gate 14 of the Montego Bay airport
Next stop was the familiar Café at Gate 14 where I spent much of the remainder of the
afternoon. There I had over-priced
coconut shrimp and two Landsharks for lunch and as I sat at the bar listening
to Buffett music I remembered how I drank my first Landshark in that bar in
2007 and as I did I looked out the window and saw a perfectly formed waterspout
dancing across the ocean just a few hundred yards away. The importance of waterspouts in Parrothead
lore comes from the verse in “Tryin to Reason with Hurricane Season” where
Jimmy talks about “watching for waterspouts.”
Soon Jet Blue was announcing the departure of their
flight to Orlando – Ratworld International.
I boarded, took my seat, and was placed next to a Buddhist monk who
grunted rather than spoke, belched and farted loudly, and who threw the
wrappings of his robe over his shoulders several times, and each time the robe
slapped me in the face it revealed how many years it’s been since the robe was
last laundered.
With 31 Margaritaville properties under my belt I have 5
more to visit to have been to all of them that are currently open – Sydney
Australia, Honolulu, Las Vegas, Chicago, Mohegan Sun Connecticut. A new one is set to open sometime soon in
Destin, Florida on the Redneck Riviera and it will likely be the next new one I
get. I can hardly wait. I’m taking a cruise out of Tampa in February
to Grand Cayman and Cozumel primarily to get a picture of the entrance sign for
each of those Cafes and in the mean time I’ll keep my eyes glued to www.buffettnews.com for the latest
information on the latest developments in the Parrothead nation.
Among those I have not visited the biggest logistical
hurdle will be Sydney Australia solely because it’s a 14 hour nonstop from Los
Angeles to Sydney just to get there.
However that will likely be easy in comparison to the hoops and hurdles
needed to drive up to Margaritaville Falmouth.
The real irony of this story happened a few hours after I
returned home from the airport at the conclusion of this trip. Out of curiosity I opened my Royal Caribbean
cruise app on my iPhone to find out what the current price was for a trip to
the pier in Falmouth. As my luck would
have it they had a ship that sailed out of Fort Lauderdale that morning bound
for Haiti and then Falmouth. It was a
standard 5 night cruise and the cost was $199!
It would have been so much easier
on that ship.
Canada
|
Niagara Falls
|
Café
|
August 6 2012
|
|
Cayman Islands
|
Grand Cayman
|
Café
|
July 8 2010
|
|
Jamaica
|
Falmouth
|
Café
|
November 19 2013
|
|
Jamaica
|
Montego Bay – Downtown
|
Café
|
October 30 2012
|
|
Jamaica
|
Montego Bay Airport - Gate 1
|
Airport Café
|
November 19 2013
|
|
Jamaica
|
Montego Bay Airport- Gate 14
|
Airport Café
|
October 7 2007
|
|
Jamaica
|
Negril
|
Café
|
October 31 2012
|
|
Jamaica
|
Ocho Rios
|
Café
|
October 29 2012
|
|
Mexico
|
Cancun
|
Café
|
March 17 2009
|
|
Mexico
|
Cancun
|
Airport Café
|
March 20 2009
|
|
Mexico
|
Cozumel
|
Café
|
March 19 2009
|
|
Panama
|
Panama City
|
Airport Café
|
February 9 2013
|
|
Puerto Rico
|
San Juan Airport
– Concourse C1
|
Airport Café
|
September 14 2012
|
|
Puerto Rico
|
San Juan Airport – Concourse B33
|
Airport Café
|
September 14 2012
|
|
Puerto Rico
|
San Juan Airport – Concourse C9
|
Airport Café
|
September 14 2012
|
|
Turks and Caicos Islands
|
Grand Turk
|
Café
|
October 2 2013
|
|
USA
|
Arizona
|
Glendale
|
Café
|
April 13 2010
|
USA
|
Florida
|
Key West
|
Café
|
July 20 1986
|
USA
|
Florida
|
Orlando
|
Café
|
July 7 2009
|
USA
|
Florida
|
Panama City Beach
|
Café
|
February 3 2009
|
USA
|
Florida
|
Pensacola
|
Landshark Landing
|
October 7 2012
|
USA
|
Florida
|
Pensacola
|
Hotel
|
October 7 2012
|
USA
|
Louisiana
|
Bossier City
|
Casino
|
June 10 2013
|
USA
|
Louisiana
|
New Orleans
|
Café
|
March 22 1996
|
USA
|
Mississippi
|
Biloxi
|
Casino
|
February 4 2013
|
USA
|
Mississippi
|
Biloxi
|
Landshark Landing
|
February 4 2013
|
USA
|
New Jersey
|
Atlantic City
|
Casino
|
May 10 2013
|
USA
|
Ohio
|
Cincinnati
|
Café
|
April 20 2013
|
USA
|
South Carolina
|
Myrtle Beach
|
Café
|
April 25 2013
|
USA
|
South Carolina
|
Myrtle Beach – Landshark Landing
|
Landshark Landing
|
April 25 2013
|
USA
|
Tennessee
|
Nashville
|
Café
|
July 10 2011
|
US Virgin
Islands
|
St. Thomas
|
Hotel
|
|
USA
|
Connecticut
|
Mohegan Sun
|
Casino
|
USA
|
Florida
|
Destin
|
Café
|
USA
|
Florida
|
Fort Lauderdale
|
Hotel
|
USA
|
Hawaii
|
Honolulu
|
Café
|
USA
|
Illinois
|
Chicago- Navy Pier
|
Café
|
USA
|
Nevada
|
Las Vegas
|
Casino
|
USA
|
New York
|
Syracuse
|
Café
|
USA
|
Oklahoma
|
Tulsa
|
Café
|
USA
|
Tennessee
|
Pigeon Forge
|
Café
|
USA
|
Texas
|
San Antonio
|
Café
|
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