Thursday, November 28, 2013

Florida Governor Thankful for the 5th Amendment to the US Constitution

TALLAHASSEE, FL – In a wide-ranging and often rambling interview with the first legitimate news organization he has spoken with since taking office, Florida Governor Rick Scott, a Republican, described to Al Jazerra America reporter Mohammed bin Laden the things for which he is most thankful this Thanksgiving.

“To me,” Scott said, “the thing I am most thankful for is the 5th Amendment of the Constitution and its ability to protect people from self-incrimination in court proceedings.”

Scott, elected by one point in 2010 over his nearest opponent during a year of anti-government hysteria unmatched in American history is now facing a tough re-election bid against former Florida Governor Charlie Crist.  Recent polls have shown that Scott’s approval rating is only slightly higher than that of dead opossums and slightly lower than syphilis.

Before becoming Governor, Scott was the CEO of a large health care company that had been charged by the US government with what became the largest health care fraud indictment in history.  On the witness stand Scott refused to answer any questions other than his name, instead invoking the 5th Amendment a record 75 times.

“I used the 5th Amendment so much you’d think my name was Corleone and I was from Sicily,” Scott grinned as he threw bags of dog biscuits at homeless people for their Thanksgiving dinner while they hovered over warm air vents on Bald Cypress Way in the capital city.

Asked if there was anything else for which he was thankful, Governor Scott smiled and said “I’m thankful that I live in a state where the legislature passed laws that allowed our prison industry to be contracted out to my political cronies.”  Scott then added, “I’m also thankful that we have laws in this state that require welfare recipients to be drug tested before receiving benefits.”  Scott, through his wife, is the principal owner of the main company that conducts the required drug testing. 

Throughout his term in office Scott has usually granted media interviews only to reporters from Fox News affiliates and almost entirely in The Villages, a Lake County enclave of retired nutcases closely allied with the Tea Bag Anarchy Party.  When asked by Al Jazeera America why he was giving this unsolicited interview away from the safety of The Villages, Scott snickered, “Hey, what the hell.  It’s a holiday and I have to appear like I care about more than tearing down the government and destroying this state.”

Concluding the interview, Al Jazeera America asked Governor Scott if he had any plans for his post political life.  “If I am ever removed from office by the voters or by a political coup, I’ll just move to the Cayman Islands and live in the sun.  Most of the money my wife and I have made while I have been in office is growing daily on the interest in a certain bank there anyway so why not find a house on Seven Mile Beach and just laugh at all of the corruption and confusion I created while driving this state into the ground,” Scott snarled.