TALLAHASSEE, FL – In a wide-ranging and often rambling
interview with the first legitimate news organization he has spoken with since
taking office, Florida Governor Rick Scott, a Republican, described to Al
Jazerra America reporter Mohammed bin Laden the things for which he is most
thankful this Thanksgiving.
“To me,” Scott said, “the thing I am most thankful for is
the 5th Amendment of the Constitution and its ability to protect
people from self-incrimination in court proceedings.”
Scott, elected by one point in 2010 over his nearest
opponent during a year of anti-government hysteria unmatched in American
history is now facing a tough re-election bid against former Florida Governor
Charlie Crist. Recent polls have shown
that Scott’s approval rating is only slightly higher than that of dead opossums
and slightly lower than syphilis.
Before becoming Governor, Scott was the CEO of a large
health care company that had been charged by the US government with what became
the largest health care fraud indictment in history. On the witness stand Scott refused to answer
any questions other than his name, instead invoking the 5th
Amendment a record 75 times.
“I used the 5th Amendment so much you’d think
my name was Corleone and I was from Sicily,” Scott grinned as he threw bags of dog
biscuits at homeless people for their Thanksgiving dinner while they hovered over warm
air vents on Bald Cypress Way in the capital city.
Asked if there was anything else for which he was
thankful, Governor Scott smiled and said “I’m thankful that I live in a state
where the legislature passed laws that allowed our prison industry to be
contracted out to my political cronies.”
Scott then added, “I’m also thankful that we have laws in this state
that require welfare recipients to be drug tested before receiving benefits.” Scott, through his wife, is the principal
owner of the main company that conducts the required drug testing.
Throughout his term in office Scott has usually granted
media interviews only to reporters from Fox News affiliates and almost entirely
in The Villages, a Lake County enclave of retired nutcases closely allied with the Tea Bag
Anarchy Party. When asked
by Al Jazeera America why he was giving this unsolicited interview away from
the safety of The Villages, Scott snickered, “Hey, what the hell. It’s a holiday and I have to appear like I
care about more than tearing down the government and destroying this state.”
Concluding the interview, Al Jazeera America asked
Governor Scott if he had any plans for his post political life. “If I am ever removed from office by the
voters or by a political coup, I’ll just move to the Cayman Islands and live in
the sun. Most of the money my wife and I
have made while I have been in office is growing daily on the interest in a
certain bank there anyway so why not find a house on Seven Mile Beach and just
laugh at all of the corruption and confusion I created while driving this state
into the ground,” Scott snarled.
Too funny. And it may be satire, but the article is right on and contains more truth than most others written about this governor. Hopefully his reign will come to an end very, very soon! Florida will be better for it! BK
ReplyDeletebravo...perfect satire....about the truth!
ReplyDelete