Thursday, July 21, 2011

A Scientific Name for Tea Bag Anarchists


This evening while doing my 14 mile bicycle ride I gave considerable thought regarding the need to come up with a functional scientific epithet for the Tea Bag Anarchy wing of the Republican Party. After all they are animals and with luck they will soon be endangered (and with no recovery effort they'll go extinct).

As I pedaled I decided that it would be inappropriate to put anything in the name like "moron" or "idiot" because those words, although being highly descriptive and completely correct, would be offensive to morons and idiots everywhere. I also decided to avoid any "obvious" swear words like "dumbfuckii".

After considerable thought I finally decided that the proper genus and species for the Tea Baggers should be "Teabaggus dipshitti". Its pretty all encompassing, isn't outwardly too offensive (even though tea baggers are outwardly offensive) and just generally hits the nail on the head.

My only real dilemma was when it came to deciding on the location for the type specimen - the location where the species was first described. Even though they got their start in the pocket of the Koch Brothers and were accepted with open arms on the Fox Fiction Channel I knew I had to be more specific. As much as I tried to find a non-offensive word to describe it, I failed because only one location is really correct - Dumbfuckistan, United States.

Given that Tea Baggers are at least partially mammalian I guess the best place to publish this description of a new species would be in the Journal of Mammalogy. If not there then the Proceedings of the Biological Society of Washington. There or in Mad Magazine but I don't think Mad Magazine is published any longer.

I'm sure others will have other ideas on an appropriate genus and species name for tea baggers but as far as I'm concerned this says it all.

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