Saturday, December 4, 2010

Pinheads in Mall Parking Lots

Once in Yellowstone National Park I watched a foolish tourist from New Jersey (isn't that redundant?) send his child up toward a female Moose and its calf so he could take a picture of his child standing next to these Moose. I was in a US government car at the time (complete with the emblem/target on the door) and jumped from that car and yelled at the tourist for putting his child in danger. After chewing his Cheney for being so foolish I stopped a National Park Service employee and reported what I saw and had done. I wanted him to know in case there was a report of someone in a government car harassing a tourist (because of their gross stupidity). The NPS employee laughed and then said not to worry. He added "When people leave home on a vacation they seem to leave their common sense at their driveway."

Have you ever noticed how the same maxim works in mall parking lots?

Take today for instance when I drove down to the shopping mall at the corner of Honore Avenue and Fruitville Road to grab a sandwich from Subway. With the sandwich in hand I left the Subway and returned to my car in the parking lot. As I got to my car (but before opening it) I noticed someone with Ohio license plates (why is it ALWAYS Ohio???) pull up and stop behind me. The driver had her left turn signal on indicating that she wanted to take my parking spot. It didn't matter that there were open parking spots several cars beyond where I was parked. She had her eyes set on my spot and she was going to park there come hell or high water.

Being retired and in no rush, I decided to change her plans a bit.

When I got to my car, instead of turning on the engine and leaving, I simply turned it on Sirius Satellite Radio Channel 31 and listened to Radio Margaritaville. I then took the turkey breast sandwich out of the bag and began to eat it while listening to Buffett music. Occasionally I would look over my shoulder. The Ohioan was still stopped there waiting for me to leave.

I kept on eating.

I had also purchased a small bag of Sun Chips and between bites of the turkey sandwich I'd take the occasional chip and pop it in my mouth.

The Ohio lady kept on waiting. However by now there were other cars lined up behind her waiting for her to move. She wanted my spot, however, and she would be damned if she was going to move.

I kept on eating.

Consuming the sandwich and the bag of chips took me 13 minutes (I know because I timed it on the car's clock). During the entire 13 minutes Ms. Ohio remained parked, engine running (wasting gasoline and putting pollutants into the air) with her turn signal flashing and cars behind her now blowing their horns.

Finished, I finally started the car's engine, put the car in reverse and slowly backed out of the parking space and drove south. As soon as I had moved away from my parking spot the Ohio lady darted in there and parked her car. To her it was worth 13 minutes of wasting gasoline to get that parking spot just five spaces from the entrance to the Mall. As I drove south from "my" parking spot, I noticed that there were several open parking spaces beginning just four cars away from where I ate lunch and made this person wait. Ms Ohio could have very easily driven four car lengths further to park 13 minutes earlier. However Ms Ohio probably doesn't know the meaning of the word "logic" or even how to find it in the dictionary.

There must be something really super special about the parking spot I occupied and she coveted. That, or this snowbird from Ohio is the latest glaring example of the sky-rocketing human stupidity quotient.

My guess is she's the latter.


  1. To be even more specific, look for Summit County (Akron) on the Ohio plates. When I lived in Ohio, if a car passed me at high speed on the shoulder, passed me in no-passing zones, followed so close I couldn't see the front of their car, or turned at the last second without using turn signals, I could always count on seeing "Summit County" on their Ohio tags.

  2. In those 13 mins, if the license plate said Arizona, they would have died waiting for the space.

  3. What does Arizona people have to do with anything and you being so stupid and vindictive? Call someone when your shuttle lands.

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