Friday, October 2, 2020

Donnie Deductions Has Covid-19 !!!!!!


 Joyous early morning correspondence with the Porcine Pussy Grabber


Craig Faanes

Sarasota, Florida 34232

October 2, 2020

 

Donnie Deductions

Chief Pussy Grabber

The White House

Washington, DC 20500

 

Dear Donnie

I was mimicking you this morning, sitting on the toilet (although mine is not made of gold) sending out Tweets, when I learned the exciting news that you and Slovenian Barbie have Covid-19!!!  How ironic, huh, Donnie?

After all these months of claiming Coronavirus was a “Chinese Hoax” that would go away “like a miracle” once the temperatures warmed, and stating emphatically that masks won’t help protect you from the virus, you and the First Bimbo caught it!  I have to admit that I spontaneously ejaculated when I read you have the virus! 

Now that you have contracted the hoax what are your plans for recovery?  Will you be injecting Clorox bleach?  Have you increased your intake of Hydroxychloroquine tablets? Will Mike Pence shove a bright light up your ass to cleanse your system of the virus?  There are so many cures you have touted for others to use, I’m just curious what you will be using.

As exciting as this news is to me and to the majority of Americans, I think it comes at a rather ironic time.  Just a couple nights ago you made an unmitigated fool of yourself on international television by acting like a spoiled brat during the debate with President Biden.  During that debate you refused to denounce white supremacy, and despite Don Junior having an obvious addiction to opioids, you chose to attack Hunter Biden for his drug dependency.  For all of that you received a mountain of well-deserved criticism.  Your poll numbers tanked and everyone but Fox News claimed you lost the debate miserably.  Then just yesterday it was revealed that the Slovenian Barbie said “who gives a fuck” about Christmas “stuff”.  This from the wife of the person who claims there is a war on Christmas.

Now, after these major mistakes on your part you announce you have Covid and you and the Slovenian Barbie will be in quarantine for 14 days.  That will make it impossible for you to participate in the next debate won’t it?  You won’t be able to make a total ass of yourself again while further embarrassing the United States.  This begs the question – do you really have Covid or are you claiming this as a way to get out of a debate?  How convenient.

I won’t believe you have Covid until you release the results of your Covid test.  Will that release happen soon, or is the IRS also auditing that report?

Here’s hoping you enjoy being intubated and breathing through a ventilator (one that you didn’t send to China back in March).   It might not cure you but at least you won’t be able to stand in front of thousands of unmasked fans denigrating everyone who disagrees with you.

Today is the first day in your nearly 4-year-old administration that I find myself doing back flips from the joy I feel.  Covid-19 could not have happened to a more deserving waste of protoplasm. 

Please spend the rest of the day coughing wildly on everyone you come near.  It would be especially helpful if you coughed on Stephen Miller.  And, what about Lindsey Graham?  Can he contract Covid while on his knees?

Love and kisses,

Craig Faanes

 

cc:  Secret Service

cc:  FBI



Thursday, October 1, 2020

Sixty Years Ago This Morning in a Wisconsin Forest

Sixty years ago this morning, October 1, 1960, dawned clear and cool and crisp on my grandparents farm northwest of Rice Lake, Wisconsin. Leaves in the butternut trees across the gully from their barn were turning what Aldo Leopold once referred to as "smoky gold" and the morning air had a distinct feel of the fast approaching (and at the time seemingly endless) Wisconsin winter. 

Not only was today the first day of the new month but also the first day of squirrel hunting season in Wisconsin. On October 1 1960 you needed to be 12 years old to be able to obtain and carry a small-game hunting license that allowed you to hunt things like squirrels, rabbits, and ruffed grouse in the state. I was only eight years old and in Mrs. Moe's fourth grade class, but my rapidly approaching ninth birthday was just 30 days away. Despite this slight difference between what was the legal age to hunt and my actual age, my grandparents gave me a single shot .410 gauge shotgun and set me off through the butternuts in search of my first animal. It was a ritual of passage in my part of the state and certainly a ritual of passage in my extended family. Hunting by myself (and not shooting off some appendage) and successfully bagging my first critter was a sure sign that I was on the path to becoming something. Not sure what it was but I was headed there. 

According to the Weather Channel, sunrise that day was at 7:05 a.m. and about 7:15, just as my grandparents were settling in for the daily morning ritual of milking their cows, Craig the intrepid (and illegal!) squirrel hunter stepped into the woods. I distinctly remember walking across the gully and up the small hill to the northernmost point in the butternuts. There, mimicking the way I had watched my dad and my uncles scour the woods before looking for squirrels I set off in search of my first squirrel. I made a wide swath across the northernmost part of the butternuts making sure to shuffle my feet in the growing bed of leaves that carpeted the forest floor. I had learned that also as a way to spook a squirrel into running for cover in trees. So far nothing worked and no squirrels appeared. 

As I moved south through the butternuts I still remember hearing the sound of the milking machines working away in the barn and caught a glimpse of my grandma checking out the south door of the barn to make sure I hadn't shot myself - yet. My ramblings across the woods produced nothing until about 7:40 when to the south I caught a glimpse of a gray squirrel as it darted along the floor of the woods headed for the relative security of a butternut tree that had three stumps. I watched excitedly as the squirrel leaped onto the side of the tree and then for some unexplained reason pointed itself down toward the ground instead of up toward relative safety higher in the tree. Standing its ground, the squirrel began saying all sorts of derogatory things at me in squirrel language I moved forward to what I felt was the right distance and I stopped. 

As if it was yesterday I remember quickly bringing my shotgun to my arm, getting the butt caught in the extra clothing provided by my adult uncle's tan hunting jacket (I had to be fashion correct on this important day) and then took sight down the barrel of the gun at the squirrel. What happened next is a bit of a blur. I remember having the bead of the gun sight on the squirrel's head as I pulled back the hammer on the gun's safety. I sat there and watched. Then out of the blue, just as the squirrel made one last defiant pump of its tail, I fired my only shot. The tiny shotgun made a muffled poof sound and instantly the squirrel tumbled from the side of the tree and lay on its back "tits up on the prairie" as I would later say about ducks when I lived in North Dakota. I remember racing up to the squirrel and taking it in my hands and looking at it from the tip of its nose to the tip of its tail. 

This was my one of the first (unknown to me at the time) indications of a forthcoming life as a biologist who had to check out everything. I also remember that, despite this not being the first squirrel I had ever held before, this one of "mine" seemed so much smaller when I held it than when I would see them darting around in the woods being squirrels. The sun had just climbed up over the top of the trees on my uncle's nearby farm and the rays of sunlight were shining across the pasture on my grandparent’s land (where my parents ashes are now spread) and everything was lit up in the butternuts. My grandma had heard the shot and was looking out the barn door again, this time probably worried that I had shot myself. Instead I stood there holding up the squirrel for her to see and for some unexplained reason I yelled and asked what time it was. The clock said 7:45 a.m. Central Time. 

The squirrel was the first of what would be hundreds of them I harvested in my youth. From squirrels I graduated to ruffed grouse and a couple of years later (and still too young to legally buy a license) I started hunting white-tailed deer on my uncle's farm. My success rate with them wasn't like squirrels but it makes for another story. As I grew through my childhood and my adolescence there were two things that became constants in my life. One was baseball and the other was the annual fall ritual of hunting. It was because of hunting that I developed the fierce desire to protect the earth that led to my choosing wildlife biology as a career and spending almost all my life for more than 32 years trying to protect habitats from the ravages of human population growth. Its something that non-hunters and anti-hunters seem unable to comprehend. "How can you love wildlife and kill it" you're often asked. I'm not sure how. It just is what it is. And it all started with that gray squirrel 60 years ago this morning. 

 I continued hunting until 1982. Those last years were on the prairie of North Dakota where all of October and into November from 1979 through 1982 were devoted to hunting ducks, geese, sharp-tailed grouse, gray partridge, white-tailed deer, pronghorn, and anything else that was legal. The last day I ever hunted anything was in early November 1982 when a group of us went after ducks and geese on the prairie wetlands west of Jamestown. We took along my Chesapeake Bay Retriever named Chester. At the end of the day we stopped at a small wetland near Cleveland and Rich Madson took a picture of Chester sitting in the wetland vegetation scanning the sky for ducks. It was his last hunt and mine. A few months later a divorce rocked my world. As part of it I had no place to keep Chester and had to take him home to Wisconsin and my parent’s farm. After Chester was gone my desire to hunt left me and I've never picked up a gun since. 

Sixty years ago this morning was a different story. I left my grandparent’s house that morning a neophyte and half an hour later I was a hunter. It was one of the best things that ever happened to me and I relive that moment every year on this day.