The Mass Shootings Network

 

I have decided to create my own television network. It will be called MSN - the Mass Shooting Network

For my on-air talent I will hire the same talking heads from CNN and MSNBC who ask the same meaningless questions of the same law enforcement and legislative consultants every day when there is a mass shooting.. Which, unfortunately, is every fucking day.

The recurring 24-hour format will include 10 minutes at the top of every hour showing the grisly scene from the most recent senseless killing or killings if its a really active day like most are. This will be followed by five minutes of insight from the paid consultants.

At 20 after each hour there will be 10 minutes of advertisement from the National Rifle Association, from the gun manufacturers, and maybe a brief talk with Jonathan Lawson from Colonial Penn to tell us about $9.99 life insurance.

At 30 after the hour there will be 8 minutes of video from the story at the top of the hour followed by 7 minutes of video from mass shootings yesterday and the day before and the day before and the day before that.

At 45 minutes after the hour there will be 10 more minutes of advertisements from the NRA and gun manufacturers and in this segment we will ask if you drank any water at Camp Le June North Carolina from the 1950s to the 1980s.

The final 5 minutes of the hour will be video of Mitch McConnell, Kevin McCarthy and other politicians in the pocket of the NRA sending their thoughts and prayers to the victims of the most recent senseless slaughters.

By creating this network I will take pressure off the main stream media who can then devote their air time to the size of tRump's penis, when he took his last shit, and who he most recently demonized in a Tweet. You know. The sort of news that's really important to patriotic Americans.

With the ad revenue I take in from my network I should be able to retire in five years to a place like New Zealand that takes gun control seriously. Sadly, the United States does not.