The Mass Shootings Network

 

I have decided to create my own television network. It will be called MSN - the Mass Shooting Network

For my on-air talent I will hire the same talking heads from CNN and MSNBC who ask the same meaningless questions of the same law enforcement and legislative consultants every day when there is a mass shooting.. Which, unfortunately, is every fucking day.

The recurring 24-hour format will include 10 minutes at the top of every hour showing the grisly scene from the most recent senseless killing or killings if its a really active day like most are. This will be followed by five minutes of insight from the paid consultants.

At 20 after each hour there will be 10 minutes of advertisement from the National Rifle Association, from the gun manufacturers, and maybe a brief talk with Jonathan Lawson from Colonial Penn to tell us about $9.99 life insurance.

At 30 after the hour there will be 8 minutes of video from the story at the top of the hour followed by 7 minutes of video from mass shootings yesterday and the day before and the day before and the day before that.

At 45 minutes after the hour there will be 10 more minutes of advertisements from the NRA and gun manufacturers and in this segment we will ask if you drank any water at Camp Le June North Carolina from the 1950s to the 1980s.

The final 5 minutes of the hour will be video of Mitch McConnell, Kevin McCarthy and other politicians in the pocket of the NRA sending their thoughts and prayers to the victims of the most recent senseless slaughters.

By creating this network I will take pressure off the main stream media who can then devote their air time to the size of tRump's penis, when he took his last shit, and who he most recently demonized in a Tweet. You know. The sort of news that's really important to patriotic Americans.

With the ad revenue I take in from my network I should be able to retire in five years to a place like New Zealand that takes gun control seriously. Sadly, the United States does not.

The Avocado Bears of the Los Padres National Forest

 

Unattributed photo from Wikipedia

Animals that eat meat are called "carnivores" and are referred to as being "carnivorous.".  Those that eat plants are called "herbivores" and are referred to as being "herbivorous".  Those animals that eat plants and animals, like humans, are called "omnivores" and referred to as being "omnivorous."

Geographic location of the Los Padres National Forest in human-infested Southern California

Encompassing more than 2 million acres of public land in Southern California the Los Padres National Forest above Ventura, and Santa Barbara, provides an abundance of habitat for carnivores, herbivores, and omnivores.  Although not overly common, there are plenty of Black Bears in the rich forests of the Los Padres, and it pays to be aware of the sound of large animals crashing through the trees.  Most often it will be a deer but if you are lucky you might encounter a Black Bear or better yet a Mountain Lion.

The Los Padres National Forest provides habitat for an abundance of wildlife species including the endangered Red-legged Frog and the iconic California Condor.  Photo by US Forest Service

During the late 1993-early 1994 hunting season someone on the Los Padres National Forest encountered and shot a massive Black Bear.  After field dressing the bear and removing it from the forests, biologists estimated that its live weight was somewhere around 800 pounds which, for a Black Bear, is enormous.

When the hunter opened the bear to clean it he noticed a distinctive odor from the entrails and saw that the thick layer of fat under the skin was entirely green.  Concerned that the bear was ill, he contacted the California Department of Fish and Wildlife and reported his unusual finding. A biologist, the one who estimated the live weight at around 800 pounds was baffled by the odor and the green fat.  Cal Fish and Wildlife took samples of the fat tissue and submitted it to both the National Fish and Wildlife Health Laboratory in Madison, Wisconsin, and to a California state crime lab for analysis.

The conclusion from both scientific laboratories was that the green color of the fat and subsequently the strange odor of the entrails came from a chemical found in avocados. This set Cal Fish and Wildlife off on another investigation where they discovered from talking to residents living adjacent to the National Forest that Yogi Bear wasn't the only bear who steals from picnic baskets

A California avocado grove

Investigators discovered that there was a small cadre of Black Bears living in the Los Padres National Forest that had developed a healthy appetite for avocados.  Apparently the 800 pound Black Bear and probably partners of his had been traveling between avocado groves near the forest and gorging themselves on ripe avocados!  

One-half of an avocado (100g) provides 160 calories, 2g of protein, 8.5g of carbohydrates, and 14.7g of fat. So every time a Los Padres bear scarfed down an avocado it was consuming 320 calories. You can do the math for how many more calories were being packed on with each additional avocado.  Luckily for the bears, avocado are largely cholesterol-free so they weren't clogging their arteries.  But this bunch of laid-back Southern California Black Bears was consuming fat-producing calories at warp speed.

The Missouri Mule Hunter

 

Photo by Montana Department of Fish and Game

Just before my 14th birthday I went elk hunting with my dad and my great uncle in a mountainous area south of Bozeman, Montana. The area has now been desecrated by the Big Sky Ski Resort but in 1965 it was pristine mountain habitat

Where I hunted elk in 1965 has been "improved" and now looks like this

We camped by a rock-strewn stream, a tributary of the Gallatin River, where I caught my first cutthroat trout although most of our time was devoted to hunting. Each morning after breakfast and coffee I was given a topographic map and a compass, instructed on which ridge line to hunt, and told not to get lost.

The appropriately-named Cutthroat Trout. Photo by US Geological Survey

After a week in the mountains we left our camp empty handed although I did see my lifer Dusky Grouse. On the way back to my great uncle’s ranch we stopped at a Montana Fish and Game Department hunter check station to see if others had better luck than us.

There is a very good reason the colloquial name for Dusky Grouse is "Fool Hen".

As we looked at someone’s bull elk, a car with Missouri license plates pulled in. Attached to his roof was a fully dressed out hoofed animal containing a tag identifying his quarry as a cow elk. What he had shot and prepared to haul back to Missouri was a mule.

Nearly 60 years later I remain amazed that someone could misidentify a mule in a farm field and think it was a cow elk!

I wish Montana Fish and Game hadn’t told him about his mistake and instead let him take it home and cook a couple steaks. His view of eating “elk” likely would have changed

LeConte's Sparrow - A Denizen of Wet Meadows

 Photo by Brian Sullivan

LeConte’s Sparrow is a denizen of wet meadows and abandoned hayfields (assuming some nimrod hasn’t built a house there yet) throughout the Upper Midwest and Prairie Canada. They winter in the southern and southeastern United States and seem to be particularly fond of wire grass prairie in the Florida Panhandle in winter

Their distinctive voice, if you can still hear it, sounds like the bird is saying “Chick-eeeeeze” with a sharp emphasis on the “Chick”. Like it’s cousin Henslow’s Sparrow, LeConte’s has an excruciatingly high pitched voice, well above 10,000 cycles per second.

I heard and saw my first one on a chilly May morning in 1974 in Chippewa County, Wisconsin. The Wisconsin Society for Ornithology held its annual convention in Chippewa Falls (home of Leinenkugel’s Beer) and Sam Robbins was leading one of the pre-convention field trips.

Sam was legendary. Not only was he author of the authoritative “Wisconsin Birdlife” published by the University of Wisconsin Press, but he also had the most acute hearing of any person I ever knew.

On the morning of our field trip we were standing by a wet meadow by 4:30. The eastern sky was just turning a faint light when Sam’s hand shot up in the air “LeConte’s Sparrow!”, he declared. We mere mortals listened and heard nothing

A few minutes later Sam said “There it is again!” We all heard nothing. The bird was off to the east and a gentle breeze was blowing from the west. Sam surmised that the LeConte’s Sparrow was facing east as it sang so it’s voice was being carried away from us by the wind.

“Don’t worry,” Sam said. “The bird will soon turn around and you’ll hear it.” A couple minutes later we all heard the faint but emphatic “Chick eeeeze”. Sam smiled and said “It’s turned and is facing us”

Despite being obligate to wet grassy areas for nesting they use multiple habitats on migration. I will never forget the day in early October 1981 when my then four year old daughter Jennifer and I were hunting Sharp-tailed Grouse near Chase Lake National Wildlife Refuge in North Dakota. A recently harvested sunflower field next to the refuge was alive with hungry LeConte’s Sparrows. I counted 210 of them before Jenny became bored and demanded that we go back to hunting grouse.

Photo by Connie Cady

If you live in LeConte’s Sparrow nesting range look and listen for them beginning about May 10. The Bear Lake Sedge Meadow State Natural Area just west of Haugen, Wisconsin, is the best place in Barron County to find them. Bob Janssen, co-author of the “Birds of Minnesota” holds the honorable distinction of having recorded LeConte’s Sparrow in each of Minnesota’s 87 counties. I bet nobody will ever tie that record!

Drivers Are The Latest Targets of Fuhrer Ron

 

Ronnie!!

WTF is wrong with you?  ABC7 News in Sarasota, a staunch supporter of you and the Republic Party, reported earlier this week you have introduced legislation that will make it illegal to "cruise" in the passing lane on freeways in the Free State of Florida.  It will remain ok to drive in the right hand lane but if you stray into the passing lane then the state gestapo will be able to cite you for "cruising".   This of course is not to be confused with Republican politicians cruising streets looking for underaged girls

That's a noble gesture, Ronnie, but how will the skinheads from the Florida State Patrol, or any random steroid-soaked Nazi on a local sheriff's department tell a "cruiser" from any other driver?  Did you think about that before proposing this latest attempt at freeing Florida.

Look at this picture of rush hour on Interstate 95 in Miami.  All the lanes are full. Which driver is illegal under your new law and which one is just trying to get from Point A to Point B? Or don't facts matter any longer in Free Florida?

I'm not sure anyone has told you this before Ronnie, but your anti-woke effort to make Florida "free" continues to erode freedoms that most people took for granted.  I guess you already know that but being a power-hungry asshole is what gets you out of bed in the morning.

Will Cheerleaders Be Next Ronnie?

 

A cornerstone of fascist governor Ron DeSantis's culture war philosophy of not only making Florida "free" but also to shore up support among the redneck supermajority in the state, has been his attack on drag queens and drag shows.  Somehow this sophomoric twit thinks that being exposed to drag queens harms children.

Ronnie conveniently forgets that he grew up watching episodes of MASH where Corporal Max Clinger regularly wore women's clothing. So too did Flip Wilson as he assumed the character of "Geraldine" on his long-ago variety show.  Did Ronnie himself become a sexual pervert because he watched men wearing women's clothing?  No more so than anyone else but attacking people for being themselves seems to be a hallmark of Republican authoritarianism.

Through all of this, Ronnie and the rest of the Republican Party have failed to focus on a real issue.  Cheerleaders.  A friend recently pointed out that Cheerleaders are much more scantily clad than drag queens and they make many fewer suggestive moves.  Children of all ages are exposed to Cheerleaders at all sort of sports events.  I remember as long ago as the 5th grade when girls in my class were practicing to be Cheerleaders.  Could it be that Cheerleaders are the ones grooming children?  When will Ronnie and the Republicans stop them?

Not to be outdone in the grooming department, the Carolina Panthers football team recently hired its first transgender cheerleader.  The horror!  And what about this shocking revelation that the National Football League maintained a video database of cleavage shots, butts, and breasts of cheerleaders!  I don't think I have heard of any databases of cleavage shots among drag queens.  Why the difference?

Its high time that the fascist Hitler-wannabe in Tallahassee and his henchmen took action to protect children from cheerleaders!  In its infinite wisdom the Florida legislature is proposing a bill that would impose a $10,000 fine on people who take children to drag shows.  Once it passes lets have similar legislation that imposes the same fine on adults who take their children to watch the suggestive moves of cheerleaders.  They too are posing a public menace and only Republican authoritarianism can put a stop to this.

More Freedom in Free Florida

 

 This week, the spinless prick living in Florida's Governor's mansion puffed out his little chest and revoked the liquor license of the Hyatt Regency in Miami.  Why?  Because the Hyatt held a drag show with children present. 

What the spineless child in the Governor's mansion failed to take into consideration is that the laws of his own fascist state of Florida ALLOW parents to bring children into establishments serving alcohol. Your fucking law allows this Ronnie.  But to appeal to the brainless redneck voting block in the Free State you pulled this childish move on the Hyatt.  I bet if we checked the records, Hyatt never contributed to your re-election campaign did they?

Why does Ronnie have such a hard on for drag shows? He doesn't have to worry about abortion with drag queens.  He doesn't have to worry about drag queens reading books to children.  He doesn't have to worry about Critical Race Theory being taught (because it never WAS taught).  Drag queens have a right under the First Amendment of the Constitution of the United States to be themselves.  They have the right of freedom of assembly.  They have the right of free speech and free expression.  They have the right to wear false tits and a bra if they want Ronnie.  Its called Freedom.   As governor of an alleged free state you should understand this.

If you are worried about children Ronnie, I would keep them away from Catholic Priests, and from perverts like Congressman Matt Gaetz.   Did you hear about the attorney in Oklahoma who was arrested because he thought he was going to have sex with a five-year old?  I will bet you $1,000 this pervert is a Republican like you are Ronnie.

For a politician who likes to espouse "freedom" you certainly are doing your best to destroy freedom in the free state of Florida Ronnie.  I can't wait for the national media to hound you on your double standards on the campaign trail.  It will be fun and freeing to watch.

I Thought Florida Was a Free State Ronnie

 

Ronnie!  During the height of the COVID-19 epidemic you made it abundantly clear that Florida was "free" and you removed restrictions on wearing masks.  You figured that more people sick from the virus was good for your political future so with little droplets of testosterone flowing through your arteries you declared Florida "free" and removed restrictions.  

That was in 2020.

Yesterday, March 8, 2023, I visited my dentist's office here in Sarasota and he has a sign prominently posted in the front door advising all who enter that it is mandatory to wear a mask in his office!

Why are you allowing this Ronnie?   I thought we were free??  My dentist must be a liberal imposing his will on his patients if he requires us to take steps to protect our health.

Is there any chance you can send the jack booted thugs from the Florida Department of Law Enforcement to my dentist's office and have them teach my dentist about freedom in Florida?  This outrage can't last much longer Ronnie.  What will MAGA voters think of you if you let a health care professional put public health ahead of your political agenda.

Hurry. Do something today.

Ron DeSantis is Spineless

 

Ronnie!! I am shocked.  WTF happened to you Ronnie?  You were a real man when it came to harassing gay people ("Don't Say Gay") and you were a real man when it came to banning books that you likely can't read.  You were a real man when it came to punishing Disney for opposing you, and you must have been soaked in testosterone when you removed the State Attorney in Hillsborough County who wouldn't prosecute discriminatory laws with which you approved.  You even lied through your teeth during the 2022 governor's race and said you "cleaned up" Florida's water quality (have you seen all the dead fish on the beaches down here in Sarasota - dead because of Red Tide which is a water quality issues?)

You were the ultimate tough guy Ronnie.  But now you have backed away from legislation requiring bloggers who don't like you to register with the state.  I was really looking forward to the jack-booted thugs from the Florida Department of Law Enforcement, backed up by the steroid-soaked skinhead Nazis of the Sarasota Sheriff's Department, kicking in my door and arresting me for failing to register with you.

What will the uneducated MAGA miscreants you so desperately need for your unsuccessful bid for the White House in 2024 think when they learn you backed away from legislation that would make bloggers who don't praise you register with the state?   You had a perfect opportunity to further your Hitler-like agenda in the state but you folded after taking a little heat.

Ronnie you are spineless.  Like a jellyfish adrift on the Gulf Stream. I would call you a cunt but at least they have a purpose.

What is the next thing you are going to run away from?  You can bet that the Ultra-MAGA, the Golden Turd of Mar-a-Lardo, would not have backed away from this bill.  But you did.

One last question, Ronnie.  Republicans continually say that they want less government intrusion in people's lives but you and the rest of your ilk keep imposing the government in our lives.  Why is that Ronnie?

Florida Style Fascism

 

Florida has a reincarnation of Adolf Hitler as its governor.  His name is Ron DeSantis and Ronnie thinks he will become President of the United States after the 2024 election.  

Ronnie believes this because of his "Florida is a Free State" mantra that he concocted during the Covid-19 epidemic.  Ronnie, in all of his wisdom, fought against Covid restrictions claiming that wearing a mask to protect yourself and others infringed on your "freedom".  More than 80,000 Floridians died because of Ronnie's petulance.  Sadly a majority of the residents of Florida believed that Florida is "free" and re-elected Ronnie as Governor in a landslide in November 2022.

In recent weeks, a bill has been introduced in the Florida legislature that would declare the Democratic Party as non-existent in the state.  In the free state of Florida.  Also, and more disgusting, the same legislature has introduced a bill that would require bloggers who say bad things about the Governor and the legislature to register with the State.  Apparently Ronnie and his supermajority Nazi legislature forgot about Freedom of Speech in the Free State of Florida.

The original purpose of this blog was to tell stories about birds and about travel.  The focus of the blog has now changed to pointing out the absurdity of Ron DeSantis and his "Free Florida" mantra because nothing is free here any longer.  And as I write about Ronnie I will refuse to register with the State.  I still believe in the First Amendment even if our mini-Hitler in Tallahassee does not.